The Tongue Scraper

I recently purchased a tongue scraper. I don’t suffer from bad breath – at least no-one has complained – but I was waltzing down the healthcare aisle last week and came across the curious little specimens. I’ve always been vaguely aware of them, but I don’t know anyone who regularly scrapes, until now!

So, a week into my tongue scraping and things are going well. I’ve noticed a markedly cleaner feeling post-brush, and dare I hint, fresher breath. I’m sure everyone is aware of that white pasty film left on the tongue after you brush your teeth – even after a mouthwash attack? Anyways, that pearly sheen is full of bacteria. Adding to the funk, Professor Google tells me that at the back of your tongue are little dimples, and most of the really bad and stinky bacteria are found in-between these dimples, all festering and doing their bacteria thing. The bacteria release sulphur, that rotten egg smell. They account, apparently, for around 80-90 percent of our bad breath. Associate Professor Wikipedia opines that there are around 500 different types of bacteria found on the tongue; probably a lot of these characters are harmless, or even beneficial, but that still leaves a large contingent of unwelcome disco dancers.

The problem with merely brushing the tongue is that the brush is too coarse and bulky to do the job in the dimple territory, unless you like to gag. However, the tongue scraper is a nimble fellow and gets right back into the cheap seats to bring out the badness. It’s easy, and the difference is noticeable. Get into it and let me know how you fare!

The White T-Shirt

The white t-shirt is a nice all-rounder that I’m appreciating more and more these days.There’s something special about a white t-shirt. Of course the black t-shirt is a mainstay in any modern man’s wardrobe, but the white t-shirt has a certain pizazz that’s attractive. Its downright simplicity and versatility is hard to beat.

No, not the gangster version, but the sleeker, more stylish kind.

I’m heading out for a quiet coffee with a friend? Cool, no problem, I’ll just chuck on some tidy shorts, and a nicely pressed white t-shirt, smart shoes, and maybe a hat; I’m rockin’ that relaxed but tidy look.

What’s that? I’ve got an afternoon workout? Nice. Sweatpants or shorts and a nice plain white t-shirt. I’m feeling fresh and ready to roll. Also for me, there’s something weird going on at the gym, because I know suspect that I run longer and harder when I’ve donned a pallid colour, compared to the darker shades.

I’m just bumming around home? I’ll just put on either a white t-shirt, or a white singlet. It gives me a fresh feeling and it also slightly inoculates me from that itch which says I should be doing something more productive. If I’m lazy at least I feel clean in white.

Going out for a big night? Cool. I’m just slipping on some nice fitting jeans, funky shoes, and a pressed white tee with a funky design on; or perhaps a plain understated little number, because I’m like that, I come in under the radar.

So, why do I like the white tee so much? Well the psychology of colour appears to be my answer.

In humans at least, white seems to evoke the following for: purity, peace, comfort, simplicity, cleanliness, freshness, holiness, and trustworthiness to list a few. So here we infuse signs and symbols, with feelings and emotions. I’m not sure about holiness, but these emotional attributes are ones that I admire, seek to cultivate in my life, and respond well to; so it seems logical that I like white.

Also, in Summer, white tees keep you cool because they reflect light. There’s nothing like a fresh, white cotton tee to keep you cool in the torrid months.

Black is the other popular colour for tees, as well as the little black dress for women. Black’s more formal, having connotations of elegance, power, authority, mystery and sleekness. That, coupled with the well known fact that black is a good base colour for fashion, has seen it play a central place in my wardrobe for years. Whilst I’m by no means getting a divorce, I’m subtly shifting black and darker shades out of the default choice, and ushering in the simplicity of whites, especially the white tee.

Gym Stereotypes

Frequent any gym for a decent period and you'll come across a subset of people that conform to a gym stereotype. Here is a light-hearted look at the wonderful people I commonly see at the gym. I'll use the pronoun 'he' for the most part because most of these apply to guys; girls don't seem as ridiculous as guys at the gym.

Here's where I'm coming from:

THE TALKER

This is the guy that just won't stop talking. He comes in and starts talking to you when you are maxing out on your third set of death-squats. The blood-red color, and pained expression on your countenance doesn't deter him. Your sweat drenched shirt, heaving chest, and despondent body language all fail to drop any useful hints. He wants to know how you are, how the family is, what happened on the weekend, what you ate for breakfast and what the state of your stool was. Simply put, he doesn't get that you're trying to work-out and a nice simple hello would suffice, and maybe a chat a bit later on.

THE SCREAMER/THE GRUNTER

I'm quite fond of this guy because he is bat-shit crazy, and great entertainment. This is the guy that insists on screaming during sets. The funny thing is, that the screams don't correlate to the load lifted: the mind shattering war cries pump out at astronomical decibel levels on the 3kg bicep curl, as with the 100kg bench. He wants the whole gym to know how much pain he is going through.

THE GRUNTER is of a similar breed to THE SCREAMER. This guy insists on grunting ridiculously loud during each rep. He sounds like he is urgently humping something mixed with a pinch of desperation, like time is running out.

Perhaps SCREAMER and GRUNTER should ally and form a tag-team partnership. Or even more perverse, a choir. I'm sure there is a niche there. Perhaps other Grunters and Screamers would buy their wares. Grunters and Screamers might listen to this stuff on the way to work in the car as well as at the gym on their ipods. There might even be practice groups because you don't want an off-key grunt now do you?

THE STEALER

This is the guy that is oblivious to the world around him. As a rule, if a set of dumbbells are at someone's feet, one might conclude that they are in use. Likewise, if I'm using a plate-loaded machine, it's wise to assume that the plates in the immediate vicinity of the machine, are going to be used shortly. So, taking these items is a no-no. There is a way round this that 90% of people seem to oblige by, it's called "working in." That is, just politely asking: "Hey, can I quickly use these (dumbbells or plates etc) while you are taking a rest?" But not so for THE STEALER. He will time his run so you are in the middle of your set. Then, he'll avoid eye contact, and nonchalantly walk off with a small truck-load of weights, the very truck-load that you'd have used! Confronting THE STEALER is like asking a wolf why it kills its prey. It's in THE STEALER'S nature, don't bother.

THE HAWK

Of a similar family is THE HAWK. Sometimes there are too many people for the machines being used. A standard way around this that again, socially intelligent people seem to have figured out, is by buddying up with another person. So I use it while Mike rests and visa versa. Not so for the HAWK. He has an inability to talk. So while I'm using a machine, I'll see Mr. HAWK staring at me, circling me, and breathing on me as he waits for the machine to be free. Think Smeagol/Gollum from Lord of the Rings. It stuffs up my flow and makes me feel weird. Then, when I give even the slightest signal that I'm done, Mr. HAWK swoops down with a sneaky little self satisfied smile on his face; yes the precious is his.

THE POSEUR/MIRROR MAN

This guy is comedy gold. He struts around the gym like Arnold. He is usually wearing some garish skin tight attire and sporting a cheesy hair cut. He looks at other people with utter contempt. He loves working out in front of the mirror and periodically flexes after each set to check out those guns. The worst thing is that these guys are usually not body builders, they are just regular Joe's who love themselves a little too much. The biggest case of this that I've ever witnessed, was when a MIRROR MAN was doing squats in long sweat pants. He went for his customary post-set flex but those darn sweat pants weren't cooperating. So he rolled them up (to look like short-shorts). He then had this crazy bunched up mess around his groin area. Yes, that made him happy. Gotta see them thighs.

CREEPY GUY

So this one is obvious. This guy makes the ladies feel a little uncomfortable. He insists on working out behind where the ladies are doing their yoga stretches. Or he might be strategically stretching at a chosen point because of the view. It's obvious. It's weird. Here's a CREEPY GUY POV:

And actually, ya know what? I just did a search on Youtube for something like "looking at girls in the gym" and there's an arsenal of stuff. Jeez. CREEPY GUYS are out in force.

FLIRTY GIRL

FLIRTY GIRL is the best of the worst listed here. There is probably a male version but I've included it in with (TRAINER/MODEL). I'd rather be talking with FLIRTY GIRL than with Mr. MIRROR or THE TALKER. But still, flirty girl is a little intense. She is usually not wearing much at all and puts on makeup to workout. Something like this:

And it's not really about what FLIRTY GIRL is wearing, it's about what she does. She'll come up to you (and all the other guys) and be all touchy-feely: high-fives, hugs and even a few ass-slaps. She'll complain that she is getting fat (subtly inviting you to protest), faux complement your physique, and generally proceed to brazenly flirt up a storm. Sometimes FLIRTY GIRL engages in black ops and snipes at her female counterparts. Now usually I don't mind this carry on at all, except in the gym. At the gym I'm a sweaty mutant. I'm there to work out. I don't want to worry about fashion, flirting or anything related. FLIRTY GIRL is a little much for me at the gym -- too much energy required to play FLIRTY'S game.

THE TRAINER/MODEL

There's always one. It must be something about the self-selecting bias of the profession. But there's always a personal trainer at the gym that is some aspiring model/stud/actor. I generally like trainers, but THE TRAINER/MODEL is just as intense and weird as FLIRTY GIRL. He will be tall, good-looking, athletic, and boy does he know it. He'll generally zero in on any half attractive women and talk to her in a macho postuering way. He'll offer odes of advice with chest puffed out and hands on hips. If he has to go anywhere he will crab-walk his way over. I also see TRAINER/MODEL looking in the mirror a lot, it's all about the hair baby. He is kind of like this:

ADVICE GUY

This guy is usually well intentioned. He'll come up to you in various states of mild agitation and he'll either flat out tell you that you're doing an exercise wrong, or 'politely' give you some advice on form. This isn't actually that bad, but there's something about the way that ADVICE GUY is a busy-body that is unsettling. I've seen ADVICE GUY walk across the whole gym to sprinkle some morsels of advice on some unsuspecting lifter. It's like ADVICE GUY just can't bear to think that there are different ways to do an exercise, or someone might not be using picture perfect form. Get a life ADVICE GUY; concentrate on your own workout.

THE GYM IDIOT

This guy has no idea what he is doing in the gym. He really need lessons because he jumps on the machines and starts pumping away with no idea as to what he is meant to be doing. It's dangerous! I can't understand THE GYM IDIOT because all you have to do is a) read a book/internet, b) ask someone or c) copy what other people are doing. GYM IDIOTS fail on all three counts.

Something like this:

THE PHONE FREAK

This is the guy that uses his phone whilst exercising. He'll be busting out a leg press while calmly texting. How are you supposed to be working out? Is your phone that important that it can't wait for 40 min? There are other variations of this, like people making obnoxiously loud phone calls while walking around the gym. Also, some seem to like getting on the cell phone when on the treadmill. This is sometimes done in tandem with going about 2km/h and watching TV. This admittedly impressive multitasking still baffles me!

TOO CLOSE GUY

This guy has no concept of personal space. In an already crowded dumbbell section he'll jump right in front of you and starting exercising, almost completely restricting your range of movement. It's not uncommon to have dumbbells whizzing past your head or rattling around your feet, threatening to amputate toes as TOO CLOSE GUY unloads his repertoire without concern for others. I'm not sure if this is done purposely. Actually, that'd be a little more comforting. The alternative -- that he is oblivious --- is rather more vexing.

TAG TEAM DUO

Commonly, two work out buddies will work out together. This is all well and good until the high-fives, chest-bumps, first-smashes, ass-slaps and assorted brotherly banging happens. Their vernacular consists of "One more"(they always seem to be doing one more rep), "push it" and I've actually heard "feel the burn!" It's like being in high school again. The TAG TEAM DUO can be found in all age ranges.

Here's some related funny as hell videos I've found after I made this list. Enjoy.